Patience and strength

May 23, 2006 at 3:46 pm | Posted in Infertility | 2 Comments

While we were in the midst of our fertility treatments, a friend of mine told me that she used to pray to God for a baby.  She thought, at one point, that perhaps that was too much to ask for so she instead started to pray for the patience and strength it takes to survive infertility. I adopted patience and strength as a mantra because its application is so broad.  I did pray for patience and strength while we were in treatment.  It makes so much sense…when things are so crazy and out of your control….to please, please, please someone just help me hang on. 

 And we did hang on….and now we have the most amazing creature sharing our lives.  And the pain and heartbreak of infertility recessed into the shadows of my mind as I embraced the insecurities of parenthood.  We settled into a routine (yes, Sue's I know I'm regimented but look at how well it paid off) and really began enjoying life again.  I was happy…I was, truly.  Then I got greedy…..I wanted another.  I figured it worked once, my body knew what to do, this was gonna be easy.  And it wasn't….it was even harder the second time around.  And then it started….again.  Slowly….the insecurity, the impatience, the crabbiness, the resentment of the life I was supposed to have, the withdrawal from friends…and the piece of my heart scarred black by the emotional damage of infertility began to grow once again.  I knew I had to walk away while I could salvage what was left of my broken life.

We took some time, researched our options, and decided on adoption.  We talked to people who had adopted to learn about their lives and how wonderful the experience was.  And that black spot on my heart started to heal…again.  We picked an agency and started the paper work and were rolling full steam ahead.  I was "pregnant on paper" even though my belly would never swell, my heart would fill with the hope and joy and love to share with another child. But we were warned when we started this journey….things can change at any moment.  Nah, not for us.  It couldn't…we've been through too much.  The program is reliable, steady, so many children that need homes…..and it did change. 

So here I find myself once again revisiting my patience and strength mantra while we wait.  Waiting for referrals to come in that are healthy (K, I know he is out there and coming soon).  Waiting for our Social Worker to answer our 100th email of the day about whatever detail I seem to be obsessing over at the moment. Waiting for another day to pass so that I can wake with the optimism of a new day that has yet to disappoint me……

Advertisements

2 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. […] A while back I wrote about patience and strength and as I’ve held on to this mantra for some time now, I figured it would be a great idea for my next tattoo.    I want to get the Chinese characters for patience and strength on the inside of my right wrist so that when I turn my wrist inwards, I can read the characters.  It would be a permanent reminder of a practice I try to hold myself to every day.  I don’t succeed every day but I do my best and the best is all I can do. […]

  2. […] This was taken October 18 at 3 months old weighing in at a healthy 13 lbs and 24″ long.  Looks like our boy is going to be a tall one.  January seems like such a long time to wait to hold this little guy in our arms.  Patience and strength, right? […]


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: