Freeze Frame

July 31, 2006 at 7:00 pm | Posted in General Junk | Leave a comment

‘Member that song from the J. Giles Band circa 1981?  It was a good one…very MTV worthy at the time anyway.  I do keep thinking that I should refrain from using so many song titles for my entry titles but as I told you earlier, I was brought up with music and it is always running through my head.

I’ve been thinking about how life changes in an instant, both for better and worse.  Birth, death, promotion, dismissal, marriage proposal, divorce request, car accidents, lottery winners.  In an instant our lives just change.  Realistically lives change slowly over time but the culmination of change happens in an instant.  BAM!  Just like that….and your life is forever altered…good….or bad. 

So I’ve been trying to pass the wait for our referral call by thinking that in an instant, our lives are going to change.  And it will.  In an instant.  If that instant would only come.

Patience and strength…. I know, I know…

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Sunday, Bloody Hot Sunday

July 30, 2006 at 2:33 pm | Posted in Check out this blog | 1 Comment

Too hot to write or try to be creative enough to think of something to write.  I know, I know it’s a weak excuse…instead I offer the following blogs/web sites to check out:

Traveling to Korea for Alex – recently started blog by one of the fab four adopting from Lifelink.  Terah and her husband Chris* left this morning to meet their son Alex at ESWS in Korea. 

So Close – fab blog written by the Georgeous and Divine Tertia in South Africa.  Those who know me well know I speak of her often.  She has put pen to paper and written her infertility story for all to share.  Her book has just been published in South Africa and is headed to the states soon.

Naked Ovary – equally fab blogger who is anxiously awaiting arrival of her referral from China that should be delivered to her agency on Monday.  Her recent entries give good insight to coming down the home stretch in the adoption race.

Post Secret – I mentioned this site earlier but really encourage you all to visit each Sunday when new entries are posted.  It is such a moving site words don’t really do it justice.

Mommy’s With Style – this is a fun site that has hip, cool trends for moms.  Includes lots of discount codes for ordering on-line but beware: lots of these items are high end and expensive. But its fun to look and everyone once in a while I find a good deal I can afford.

Dlisted, Go Fug Yourself, Perezhilton and Gabsmash – all wonderfully catty celebrity websites just for fun!

*Thanks to K for catching my mistake!!  Told you it was hot out and I couldn’t think!

Friday Fun Pic – part 5

July 28, 2006 at 4:51 pm | Posted in Friday Fun Pic | 1 Comment

I went for a nice long walk this morning before it got too hot (92 today…ugh) and was thinking about life before infertility.  I had my nice vintage walkman on, cranking some nice tunes from the late 80’s and early 90’s and really enjoying my walk down memory lane.  So I was trying to think of a good picture to post for today and figured you may all be tired of looking at Sophie…no!  Never!  But thought I would post this little tidbit from my past:

This is my younger sister Amanda (left) and me (right – duh) in Wisconsin in the early Fall in the early 90’s.  Having not gone away to college, I lived vicariously through her while she attended UW-Madison.  I got to re-experience my 21st birthday on a college campus, meet the man who would become my brother-in-law and even smooched a professional football player (he’s #47 in the picture)…before he became a professional.  What more could a girl ask for.

 Thanks for the happy memories Amanda – I love you.

Are you connected?

July 27, 2006 at 3:31 pm | Posted in General Junk | 4 Comments

As an after thought of sorts about the Losing My Religion post, I started thinking about fate and destiny and faith a bit more.  Specifically I started thinking about the people that float in and out of our lives versus those who float in and find a place that is worthy of the effort it takes to really maintain a relationship.  That got me thinking about my three new friends who have become the center of my adoption universe if you will.  You see, friends and family are great.  Really they are.  But when all the chips are down and you just need someone who really knows what you’re thinking and feeling, those who are in the same boat are the best friends you can have.   

I had written previously that I visit an infertility board which helped me out quite a bit when we were cycling and it also has an adoption board that I visit now and then.  That is where I met my new friend Kenna.  I believe Kenna happened to meet Michelle on another board dealing with Korean adoptions specifically.  As part of our adoption process, we had to attend an informational seminar at which I met Michelle and Terah.  Terah just so happens to work with my mother and they didn’t know they were connected by me until after we had attended the seminar.

Small world, huh?  It can be one small world which leads me to wonder it is just chance that we have met the way we have?  I guess I don’t find the direct connection between Michelle and I or Terah and I that strange because there aren’t many agencies in our area that adopt healthy infants from Korea.  But it is amazing that my mother and Terah work together and never had the opportunity to discuss adoptions until Terah received her referral for Alex.  Terah brought a picture of Alex to work and my mom happened to see it and inquire about her adoption.  When they put the pieces together, they realized that Terah and I had just met a couple weeks prior at the seminar. 

Now Kenna and I had been emailing each other for some time and had chatted on the phone a few times as well.  Kenna had also been emailing Michelle but Michelle and I didn’t email until Kenna received her referral.  Terah and I started emailing each other shortly after she and my mom made the connection and I brought Terah into the email fray once Kenna had received her referral as well.  I’m pretty sure that is how we wound up getting connected as a group.  We’ve been there for each other while we wait for referrals (me), visa approvals (Kenna, Terah, Michele) and travel dates (Michelle – WOO HOO!!!!!) and honestly, I can’t imagine having made it this far without the support of these gals.

I find it amazing that Michelle and Kenna and Kenna and I connected over the internet.  There are literally millions of people reaching out via the web and making connections.  Who would have thought that the four of us would have met this way?  Because the Korean adoption process doesn’t really bring families together, much like the China adoption process does, would we have ever made the connections we have without the internet?  I know our agency has a support group for couples in the adoption process but I’ve never been much of a hanging out with strangers kind of person.  With the internet, it can be faceless as long as you want it to be.  You can build a relationship that can end with a keystroke or continue “in real world” if you choose to do so.

So I thank fate or destiny or devine intervention for my three new friends.  I think we will be friends outside of the internet….I think we will celebrate four homecomings by next Spring.

Bueller?

July 26, 2006 at 8:36 pm | Posted in Adoption Updates | 2 Comments

Has anyone else been keeping track of how many days it has been since our agency has received a referral?  Anyone?  Bueller?  No?  Well let me tell you….it has been 21.  No referrals since July 5.  Not a single one.  No movement.  No word.  And I’m trying to lose weight before my reunion which means no stress eating and no drinking during the week.  I am not a fun person to be around right now.

Baby, baby falling in love….

July 25, 2006 at 8:35 pm | Posted in Adoption Updates | 2 Comments

‘Member how I told you I almost always have a song in my head?  Well this week it happens to be this gem by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.  Don’t know them?  They also brought us Don’t Pull Your Love…I had always kinda liked this song but never knew who sang it.  Now I think I know why.  You may not remember either of these songs, not that I do first hand mind you…I’m not that old.  But my parents always had music playing so my repertoire is quite large. 

Ah….I digress…back to my original point…falling in love.  A couple of weeks ago I was invited to a baby shower to welcome the amazing Eva into our family.  We happened to have a second party to attend so I opted to leave Sophie home and make a quick appearance at the shower solo.  Driving….with real music on…as loud as I wanted….aahhhh….it was nice. 

As I was getting closer to cousin Beth’s house I started really thinking about the shower and what it meant.  The culmination of a long journey both here and abroad.  Three people brought together by fate or some divine intervention…the making of a family. 

I started to think about Brother and if he was born yet.  Wondering what he is going to look like, when we will get to see our first glimpse of him, what will it feel like to know he is waiting for us, how hard will it be to wait to hold him in our arms, will we love him, will we love him the same as Sophie?  And I found myself tearing up…the emotion was so overwhelming I was surprised.  Here I was about to come face to face with my first adoptive family that was so very close to us.  I was going to see how real it is.  How it really works and children do come home to build a family.  How the love grows between people who don’t share genetics but share a need and desire to love and be loved.  And it was just about all I could take to pull myself together so as not to scare my family into thinking I had finally gone off the edge. But I haven’t fallen off the edge…I’ve fallen in love.  And he is waiting for us….and soon we will know who he is.  I didn’t think it was possible to love someone I haven’t seen or don’t know.  It was one of the biggest obstacles I had to face before beginning our adoption journey.  I can tell you now, now that we are so close to finding out who will become a member of our family that I have fallen.  And fallen hard.

Losing my Religion

July 23, 2006 at 6:46 pm | Posted in Infertility | 5 Comments

I used to frequent an IVF board that, while I was cycling, really helped me through some difficult times.  I met and became friends with some women who eventually all got pregnant and I think we had our children within about 6 months of each other.  This board is/was great because it not only connected people going through IVF, it also connected parents of IVF children as well as adopted children.

When we started cycling for #2, once again I found myself in the company of many of the same women who were also trying for a second child.  The disappointing thing for me was I found the parenting boards, which are designed to host conversations relevant to parenting, inundated with questions about pregnancy and cycling.  It became increasingly difficult for me to visit these boards because more and more of the posts had to do with pregnancy and less to do with parenting.  When our two IVF cycles resulted in negative pregnancy tests, I swore off these boards and the friends I had made.  They were all, yes all, pregnant with #2.  Some were pregnant with twins.  I know it was horrible for me to just turn my back but honestly, I was too hurt and broken to visit the boards as it was just another reminder that even among infertiles I was pretty infertile.

As time has passed and we’ve begun our adoption journey, I’ve revisited these boards because they also have a place for people who are adopting to share their stories.  Most of the people posting and sharing here are pursuing domestic adoption so I don’t get a ton out of it but it is nice to know that you are not alone in the worry and struggle to build a family.  Misery loves company, right?

So I came across a post the other day that really made me think.  A woman was inquiring if anyone felt that God had a plan for us and our struggles were just part of that plan.  A lot of people responded and the consensus seemed to be that yes indeed, God had a plan for all of us.  A struggle to build a family was just our luck of the draw and if we were strong and could persevere, what will be will be…and it was all part of a master plan.

Now I’ve struggled with the concept of faith versus religion for a long time.  I’ve come to realize that I have faith and trust in God but I’m not necessarily religious.  So it got me thinking…..does God have a master plan for me and is my infertility a piece of it?  And why does God choose to inflict some with pain and loss while others escape without harm?  Some say God gives us what we can handle.  Well, I guess in one respect that is quite a compliment.  Here, I’m going to not only screw up your insides so they don’t work, I’m going to let you suffer all the emotional turmoil that goes along with it.  Aren’t you glad I made you strong?  On the other hand, I think it’s one shitty hand to have delt to you.  Mmmm, sorry.  All we were handing out today were short straws.  But how do you apply that logic to say the families of people killed in the 9/11 attacks?  Or a child that dies of caner?  Or a person who dies at the hand of another?  Doesn’t really work, does it?  Infertility is horrible but it is possible to live through the storm and come out the other side intact.  Loss as catastrophic as death – how do you determine that someone is strong enough to handle that kind of loss?

I’d like to think that in the end there is a master plan that God has in mind for all of us.  However, I’d like to think the path to that end is left to fate.  I’d like to think that God would think well enough of me to allow me to mother more than one child.  And I will.  Soon.  But I’d also like to think that he would have rather I not suffer they way I have.  Even though I will heal….and I will…..soon.

Friday Fun Pic – part 4

July 21, 2006 at 1:03 pm | Posted in Friday Fun Pic | Leave a comment

Since I’ve been fretting about my 20th high school reunion, I thought I’d really embarrass myself and post some pictures from the past. 

This would be me with my dog Tilly just before Senior Prom.  Note the Madonna-esque gloves, matching beaded necklace and dyed shoes…..sweet.

This would be a shot of the gals from our 10 year reunion.  From left to right we have Carolyn, Beth, Judy, myself, Lisa and Dawn.  Sorry if you’re reading this gals but hey, I had a lot worse I could have published but didn’t.

I seem to have the Olivia Newton-John hair curse as it didn’t change much in 10 years.  Dropped the mullet aspect and picked up the short mom hair – even though I had yet to be a bride let alone a mom.

Mostly I’m lucky to know that I have a handful of friends, some of whom I met in 6th grade, that I can still call my friends.  I’ll be sure to post a picture of us gals from the 20 year so you can compare how well we’ve aged.  HA!

Dream Weaver

July 20, 2006 at 1:11 pm | Posted in Dreams | Leave a comment

I believe you can get me through the night…

Ah yes, I have not one but two new dreams to share with you today.  Actually more like one-and-a-half because most of one is too private to share.  (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?)

So the first which I had a couple of nights ago and is the one I will only share the basic premise of had to do with a certain yummy guy who is the exact polar opposite of my other yummy dream guy.  The short of it is yummy dream guy #2 was being really super supportive of me in a yucky situation and being really nice and caring to me.  And planted a really nice, soft, sweet kiss on me.  Enough so that I awoke so smitten that I had to check him out on the internet.  So who is the mystery man? 

That is Carey Hart – owner of Hart and Huntington Tattoo located inside the Palms hotel in Las Vegas.  More notably recent husband of singer Pink.  Shout out to Pink for letting me borrow her man in my dreams…

Now the second dream is much more on target for my typical detailed silly dreams.  It takes place at a party populated by people I know from High School (can you sense the 20th reunion anxiety creeping in???)  I’ve just arrived at the party wearing navy blue loafers (I was pretty preppy in high school), a white polo shirt (collar flipped up of course), a long sleeve navy blue tee over the polo and a kelly green blazer.  I have the feeling that I may have borrowed the blazer from my sister because I was being very careful to take care of it.  Shortly after getting myself a frosty beer, someone spills a beer down my neck and all over my clothes.  I remove the blazer, shoes and navy blue tee and promptly pop them into the dryer.  While I am waiting for my things to dry, I am on a quest to find my lost beer.  While searching through the house and the grounds, I come across lots of people I went to high school with.  Some are skiing, yes snow skiing, in the front yard.  I’m also looking for my girlfriends whom I cannot seem to locate.  Each time I get to a spot they are alleged to be, they have moved.  So I continue my quest for beer and friends and at some point my shoes.  Eventually the police arrive to break up the party and I’m without my beer, my shoes, my blazer or my friends but I’ve enjoyed a pretty funny look back at some of the people I’m remembering from high school. 

Think this is a sign that I should go to the reunion? 

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

July 19, 2006 at 2:48 pm | Posted in Adoption Updates | 1 Comment

I almost always, and I mean always, have a song running through my head.  Since Sophie has been born it has been some twisted version of a nursery rhyme or cartoon character theme song.  Most recently its the theme to the Little Einsteins whom she absolutely loves…I mean, she told me she loves Quincy.  WTF?  She hasn’t even said she loves me!!!

I digress….the song running through my head these days is The Waiting by Tom Petty.  How perfectly appropriate, huh?  I really feel as though as I’m doing a good job with the waiting.  It’s summer and we’re busy hanging out and enjoying the sun and fun and a summer home in WI.  We have a very funny and active 2-1/2 year old to keep me more than occupied 24/7.  I was doing a really good job with the waiting, especially since things moved really quickly through the month of June. 

But suddenly I find myself counting minutes since I’ve checked the internet (our agency updates their waiting list via the web) or glanced at the phone to see if I’ve missed a call.  I keep thinking, What will we do with Sophie when the SW calls with our referral?  (They’ve requested that we not bring her to their office when we review our referral).  Who will watch her?  How can we keep our referral a secret until we are ready to accept it and surprise our families if we have to arrange for someone to watch Sophie?

I think the root of this anxiety is from an exchange with said SW last week regarding our adoption.  Long story short and to save you the drama of the saga, we requested she do something for us that we felt was not outrageous and she basically refused.  So I’ve decided that I don’t really need to call her because at the moments she isn’t being all that helpful to me and I’m still a but upset about our last exchange.  For the time being I can wait until we get “the call” to talk to her.  But I didn’t really think that the wait would become so difficult….

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