Driver Eight

My Baby’s Got a Secret

There are a couple of interesting posts out in blogland right now: one from my favorite infertile Tertia and the other from a good friend of hers knows as Orange.   At the center of the controversy, older celebrity mothers and how it is they came to conceive.  How they conceived isn’t so much so controversy rather its the disclosure of how they conceived that is finding its way into the hearts and minds of infertiles.

What’s the big deal you ask? Well the big deal is this: our society in general is very celebrity focused.  Who wears what, who is dating who, who is divorcing, who is pregnant, what are they having, etc.  When women of advanced material age (that’s anyone 35 or older if you can believe it) announce their pregnancy, are they doing a disservice to the general celebrity following reproductive public by not disclosing if ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) was used? 

On one hand we have the very real issue of privacy – not only in terms of an individual’s medical information which is strongly guarded these days – but some celebrities just want to be able to keep some things private for as long as possible.  Becoming pregnant is a very private, personal thing.  Regardless of the fact that with certain career choices comes celebrity, not everyone wants to share every waking moment of their lives with the masses.  One the other-hand we have very public figures who do use their celebrity status to promote personal causes because people listen to them. 

So do they do a disservice to young women and men by not disclosing that waiting until you’re 40+ to have children can mean you may not be able to do so on your own?  And I don’t mean that oh hey you may have to go through IVF to get pregnant.  I mean did you know that your own eggs may not be viable and you may have to consider not only donor eggs but also a gestational surrogate?  And on top of all of that, did you know that a lot of insurance companies don’t cover infertility treatment and unless you have one kick-ass job, you may not even be able to think about affording it?

I vacillate back and forth on the celebrity responsibility on this issue.  Having an IVF baby of my own, I do think about if I ever disclose her conception with anyone not outside my inner circle. I don’t.  It isn’t anyone else’s business how she came to be here.  It will be her story to tell, if she wants to, when she is older.  I envision her using it as a one-up on her friends some day (oh yeah, you think you’re tough?  I spent the first 5 days of my life living outside my mom’s uterus.  Beat that!)  

It’s strange – I could be super involved in the infertility support community and educate women and men about the concerns of waiting to have children.  But I choose not to because I want to put that part of my life behind me.  I want to forget the heartache and pain I endured to bring one funny little girl into this world.  I would do it all again if I could be guaranteed another successful outcome, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just knowing that the odds are so stacked against me now that I’m 38 I couldn’t bear the disappointment of failure which is almost certain. 

I guess maybe I’ve answered my own question in the process of writing this post…I guess it really isn’t anyone else’s business how any child is conceived and up to the individual to disclose if they choose.  And unfortunately up to the individual who is trying to conceive past the advance maternal age cut-off to learn that what you see in the real world, sometimes just isn’t that real.