Mourning what isn’t there

April 18, 2008 at 9:21 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

I spent the morning on Thursday doing some stuff with Sophie.  It was an ordinary enough day.  Just like any other day.  Except that when I returned home there were 4 messages on my answering machine.  And no one had tried to call me on my cell phone.  So I returned the calls – first to my sister who has the uncanny task of delivering bad news to me.  I could tell by the tone of her voice on her message that something was going on.  But what exactly I wasn’t sure.

My Dad died.  Apparently in his sleep due to a heart attack.  He has had a history of heart ailments and honestly he was probably 50 lbs overweight and smoked and drank too much.  At least I think.  See, several years ago we had a falling out.  He choose a life-path for himself that I couldn’t agree with – for a variety of reasons.  Mostly what it boiled down to in more recent years was the the fact that he could not or would not have a more reliable/constant presence in my life/my kids lives and the title of grandfather was an honor and priviledge to earn from my children.  I made it clear to him that when he was willing and/or able to be such then we would move forward from there.

That was a couple of years ago and it was then that I mourned the loss of my father.  We had never had the relationship I imagined a father/daughter should/would have but it was what I had.  For as long as I had it.  Until I was old enough to know it wasn’t enough and he wasn’t able to make it what I needed it to be.  So I mourned my loss back then.  Way back then.  It was over.  Done.

Until yesterday when I had to start mourning the loss of the possibility that there could ever be a relationship at some point down the road.  I didn’t think of it much because I figured there would be time.  And honestly I’m not really sad. Mostly shocked.  It seems surreal that he is gone.  Lying somewhere in a morgue right now awaiting to be transported to a funeral home where he will be cremated.  It’s hard to mourn something you lost so long ago.  Mostly I greive for my grandmother who has lost not only her parents but her husband, her younger brother and all three of her children.  And my father’s wife who has lost a husband.  So I’m wandering around in a half-fog trying to figure out how I really feel and wondering how long it will take to feel final closure to this chapter of my life.  Because now it really is over. 



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  1. I am so sorry for your loss, both years ago and now. I wish you and your family peace, especially your Grandmother.

  2. I am so sorry Amy for your loss. Just yesterday my 88 year old woman patient in the CCU told me that one thing she lives by is to always talk to your “kin”. I think of my Dad, so far away, in poor health and his delusions of why we aren’t talking grow each day toward it being all my fault.

    I can honestly feel it sweetie and I am so sorry. Crying, right now, for you and with you. For myself.

    You live too far away from me and I don’t like it.

    I wish I had something helpful to say. I don’t know if anything is helpful at a time like this.

    I hope knowing you are cared for helps in some way. betuz, I do.

  3. Still thinking of you sweetie.

  4. Amy, I am so so sorry. I will give you a call later today. Anything you need, I am here.
    Big hug and lots of love,

  5. Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I heard of your loss on Thursday when Sara got the call here at work.
    Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    I empathize your loss, today and your past loss.
    Hang in will all be ok.

  6. I’ve been searching for the words to express exactly what you have written here. It’s such an odd feeling. I’m sad and I have cried – I just couldn’t put my finger on what was making me hurt. It is what will never be possible – Dad finally telling me that he was sorry. That he made mistakes. That it wasn’t my fault that we never had the relationship I needed. Now he can’t even if he wanted to. Time ran out for him to miss me.


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