June 26, 2008 at 10:57 am | Posted in Past life | 3 Comments
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I made a promise to myself shortly after Sophie was born that I wasn’t going to be “one of those Mom’s” who wore Disney tee shirts, got queer vanity license plates and forced their kids to listen to “kids music.”  I mean no offense to those Moms out there who fall into one or more of these categories.   I’m just being honest about my personal feelings about what kind of Mom I want to be.

Just recently I decided that I would keep some Mom music in my car and I would not turn on the DVD player every time I started the car.  I had been better about this lately.  If we were taking a short trip it most definitely did not go on.  If I was desperate to keep the kids awake well, that is another story.  So today while Sophie and I ran some errands I opened the CD case and popped in an oldie but a goodie

Oh how I have forgotten what music does to me.  It has a way of solidifying a moment in my brain to which I am instantaneously transported to when I hear the melody floating through the air.  This song in particular takes me back to a time in my life when I was so utterly and completely lost.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I was dating someone, and had been for quite a while, but our relationship was shit.  He was directionless and unmotivated and seemed to zap the energy right out of me.  We drank.  A LOT.  We never went anywhere without a cooler.  Honestly – no where.  But he was every body’s best friend and everyone loved him and I did too.  For a while.  But I think I started realizing that the relationship was doomed and underneath it all it began to fall apart.

Then there was his friend.  A very stylish although, honestly, rather homely guy who was into cool music and paid me the attention that my boyfriend couldn’t or wouldn’t.  And he had this girl who played him like a violin and really treated him like shit.  And she was judgmental about anyone and anything that didn’t agree with her uptight, narrow point of view.  Any my boyfriend had been friends with her before we dated and he felt the need to help her out with anything, anytime.  So me and the friend became friends.  Close friends.  And we could or would have become more if either one of us were moral-less.  But we weren’t.  We were friends. 

But when I hear this song it haunts me to think of how deeply lost I was.   But the words are so brutally honest and they cut through the bullshit and just….and just….remind me.  That’s all.


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  1. Whenever I hear a Pearl Jam song, particularly Even Flow, I am instantly transported back to 1992 at the the Kollege Klub in Madison. I can smell the beer, I am in a haze of drunkeness that somewhat muffles the sound as I do a “loop” around the back barlking around the bar looking for cute boys. As I enter what referred to as the back bar, there is Chad and his friends towering above the rest. Gotta love those songs.

  2. So glad you were found! Mom

  3. While our kids were away for a week I got to remember what it was like to be responsibilty-less and to be free of anything that tied me down except my own thoughts and desires. I think, for me, that is why so much music makes me longingly think of lost days when I thought I was finding myself to only look back now and realize how without a clue I was. Music, when you are young, says all things you can’t say, are afraid to think outloud and remind you for the first time that you haven’t thought of anything someone else hasn’t thought before.

    naked, indeed sweetie. xx

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