February 24, 2010 at 8:50 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The ties that bind us aren’t always as obvious as rings on our fingers.  Sometimes they are shackles on our hearts.

Conversations with Sophie – Act 13

February 21, 2010 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

While Son is playing downstairs, Mom decides to indulge in some television viewing for as long as humanly possible with a 3 year old and a 6 year old.  While flipping channels, Mom comes to one of her favorite films “The Green Mile”.  Unable to tear herself away and knowing that children are busy in another room, she tunes in just as a new inmate is being transported past a chain-gang working alongside the road just outside the prison.  Daughter comes into the room:

Sophie:  Whatcha doin?

Mom:  Watching a movie.

Sophie:  What are those boys doing?

Mom:  They were naughty so now they have to work outside along the road to make it look nice again.

Sophie:  They have pretty zebra sweaters on.

Yes they do my dear and may you never find yourself wearing one.

My Worst Nightmare

February 13, 2010 at 11:05 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A phone call is all it takes to shift the balance in one’s life.  Reaching out through time and space with a voice.  Your own voice.  The voice of another bearing news.  Good news.  Bad news.  News you would rather not hear.  News you hang your hopes and dreams on.  News you tune yourself out to because you are trying to catch up on all the shows on your DVR for the last six months.  I’ve received many phone call over the years bearing important news.  Engagements.  Births.  Deaths.  Loss of jobs.  IVF failures.  Loss of lovers.  An IVF success.  Divorce.  Adoption referral.

Let me preface this by saying that I love my kids.   And prior to having them I couldn’t understand how people could so passionately relate their stories of being finished building their families.  Having wanted children and struggled with building my family, I couldn’t get in touch with people saying they were done.  D. O. N. E. having kids.  Period.  End of story.  That is until we brought Henry home.

Henry is a very spirited child and Sophie is a rather quiet child.  They are our yin and yang of parenting.  The combo of the two just about put me over the edge in terms of being  a stay-at-home parent.  I am not the best parent/worker/wife/friend/sister/daughter when stretched to thin in different directions.  I have three years experience as a mom to two children but I still struggle with it. 

I’ve often joked with my family about my worst nightmare.  It would come in the form of a simple phone call.  And a week ago my life flashed before my eyes as the caller ID revealed the source of my worst nightmare.  Our adoption agency.  See when we adopted Henry, we made it clear to them that we were done building our family and would not be pursuing another adoption.  However, if a sibling of an adopted child is placed for adoption, all attempts are made to keep the children together in the same home.  Even though we made it clear we did not want to adopt again, the agency would contact us first.  The greater problem is I don’t think I could say yes.  But I don’t know how I could say no either.  It would be an extremely difficult situation to have to navigate both financially and emotionally.

So last week while I was cleaning my house, my telephone rang.  As I approached the phone and checked the caller ID, my heart skipped a beat when I saw it was our adoption agency.  Instinctively I reached out to answer the phone then recoiled in fear as I thought my worst nightmare was coming true.  Do I let the answering machine pick up? No – chicken.  Just answer it.  So I did.  It was a post-adoption counselor calling to verify our home address because we had received a letter from Henry’s foster-mother.  We have sent her letters and pictures every 6 months since he came home and she had responded.  It was the first we had heard from her since his 1st birthday.   Her note reads:

Dear Yoon Seong’s parents: Thank you for the wonderful letter and pictures.  I know you are very bust raising the kids but thank you.  I looked at the pictures over and over because Yoon Seong’s gotten so big.  But when he’s asleep he still looks like when he was a baby.  Yoon Seong and his sister’s happy moments sure are precious.  Thank you.  I somethings think about the moments I met you.  I always appreciate you and I wish you well and happy. 

It is amazing for us to hear from her and we know that when Henry is older he too will appreciate her writing to us.  So I’ve learned to perhaps not be too afraid of the phone call from our adoption agency.  It may  happy news.  And this was definitely happy, happy news.

Back and Forth

February 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

So I’ve had my blog private for some time now – mostly because I don’t feel as though I can write what I want to write.  But I find in not having an outlet that crap just crams up inside my head and heart and somehow it needs to come out.  I know sometimes the things I write are upsetting to my friends and family but somehow, someway they need to come out.  And sometimes I miss writing here.  I really want to write here.  But sometimes it is more difficult to deal with the fallout when I write what I feel and it either makes people worry or makes them uncomfortable.  But I guess I’m kinda selfish in that I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable alone.  So if you choose to suffer along with me periodically, I think I may start writing here again.  And hopefully some of the fog will clear and I may pick up the camera again and try to find the silliness and beauty that surrounds me once again.

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