Carolina on My Mind

April 12, 2010 at 8:47 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been examining regret in my life.  It’s kinda funny because I didn’t really think I had much of it.  And maybe I seem to have more now that I’m in a funk so maybe it isn’t really true regret.  Maybe it is just longing for a different outcome.  I don’t know.  But on my mind lately is a trip my family took the summer before my freshman year of high school.  My family of 5 loaded into a motor home along with another family of 5 and trekked to South Carolina.  It was actually a pretty fun trip – there were three girls in our family and three girls in theirs and we each had someone relatively close to our age to hang out with.  Although the two youngest probably didn’t have as much fun as us older girls did. 

It was the first time I drank beer.  And we almost got busted by our parents.   It was also the first time I had a summer crush.  Well aside from summer camp crushes which are an entirely different animal.  Anyway….there was this guy Rob who was at the same resort as us and I can’t remember what the relation was to the other boy – it was his cousin perhaps?  I don’t know.  But this Rob was, in a word, charming.  A big, bright smile and the personality to go along with it.  The “other boy” was much more quiet…what I remember of him was his brown hair and brown eyes.  And he was going to the military school that the movie Taps was either based on or filmed at.  If I had to pick someone famous he would remind me of it would be Josh Hartnett – although I’m sure he was quite cute, memory has a way of twisting things to make them a bit better, or worse, than was real.  I think there may have been a third boy too.  A burly blonde oaf of a guy with a wicked sense of humor.  We befriended these boys who, as I remember, may have been a bit older than us.  Certainly older than I.  They were the ones who bought the beer for us.  We snuck into a pool and I believe the funny blonde mooned us when he jumped off a diving board.  I think he dove once and came close to the edge of the pool….scaring the bejesus out of us all.

But Rob.  He was so confident and funny and paid just the right amount of attention to make you think you were maybe someone special.  What I didn’t realize is that was just his way.  His slight teasing and flirty nature didn’t mean anything more than what it was.  But I thought it was.  And when he took interest in one of the girls in the other family, my heart was crushed.  I felt ugly.  I felt completely rejected and useless.  But the worst part…..was the “other boy” had taken an interest in me and I was too stupid to see it.  And when he inquired if I wanted to take a walk on the beach with him I declined.  Because he wasn’t the one I wanted.   So I sulked….and I may have even cried a little.  And I missed out on an opportunity.  It was the beginning of a pattern for me I think.  Liking boys that wouldn’t like me back and missing out on some boys who did like me.  Who may have been good for me.

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