Some Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent-But You Still Probably Know Who They Are

July 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There are so many things I want to write here because it does help me.  But it also hurts me.  At least it could hurt me depending on who, if anyone, is actually reading this blog anymore.  Having been in a state of flux over the last say 3 years at least, there are things I’ve written about that are very personal to me.  Hauntings of a life passed me by seem to be what most troubles me.  Just because I’m thinking/feeling/experiencing haunts doesn’t mean I’m going to bug out on this life situation.  It just means that when I have those freakin’ dreams that are too real for comfort and I wake wondering about all the “what ifs” that could have possibly been and I start to curl into the fetal position on my bed, perhaps you should just leave me alone for a day or two and let me wade through the muck to see how I come out on the other side.  There is so much floating through me – some real, some complete and utter fantasy – that it’s hard to figure out how to separate the two so I can make sound judgments on the real stuff and let the fantasy stuff linger a bit longer in my head.  I’m not trying to intentionally hurt anyone….believe me, I don’t think anyone is hurting more than I am.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

June 13, 2010 at 8:16 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I hate these mornings when I wake from a tormet of dreams swirling my past, present and future into some clusterfuck of raw emotion that sets the day of shitty.   Questioning just about every major decision I’ve made to bring me to this point in life and wondering what disasterous decisions I will make in the coming days.  My stomach is sick but I want breakfast but not here.  Somewhere away from here where I can hear the ocean and feel a cool, salty breeze on my face.  So I can pretend that the here and now is just a dream and the cyclone of the night is what is.

Hastings

June 4, 2010 at 9:35 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’m not sure how it is I came to be there…..I know my mom and aunt went to a camp hastings but I want to think it wasn’t the one I went to.  Regardless…I went there for quite a while which I find completely amazing since I am such a homebody now and then I went away for two weeks each summer without so much as a sideways glimpse towards my home.  I loved it there.  Swimming.  Sailing.  Horseback riding.  Sneaky sticks (which sounds horribly dirty but I promise you it is not).  Hopping.  Teatherball.  Campfires.  The Hunchback of Hastings.  I made friends then that I still have today.  It is an experience that you cannot really explain to someone who has not gone to summer camp.  It is a magical place that only those who tread on the  grounds can understand.  I loved it.  To the bottom of my soul.  And it is a cherished memory that I will carry with me forever.

Blank

June 2, 2010 at 1:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I have so many things floating around inside my head.  Inside my heart.  And they are looking for a way out.  But every time I sit down to type them out here they get stuck.  I’m not sure why they are sticking.  I really want them out.  So I’m looking for a way to get them out.  Searching for an outlet that is safe to explore what it is that is churning inside me.   I’m hoping it will be soon because it’s kinda starting to drive me crazy.  I can’t write.  I don’t want to take pictures…and that one hurts.  I used to take some good pics of the kids but with all these things stuck inside my head, the passion and creativity that used to fuel those photos is gone.  And that sucks.

First

May 20, 2010 at 7:31 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

What I remember most about first seeing him is the yellow slicker he was wearing.  Lost in a sea of students at a football game he stood out like a beacon in the night.  It must have been raining…or at least misting…why else would one be wearing a slicker?  You see there were two junior high schools (or middle schools to you swanky folks) that merged into one high school in my town.  So there were a whole bunch of new people we had the opportunity to get to know when we went to high school.  I was with my friend Leslie, who happened to be a new friend from the other school and I’m thinking I need to ask her how it is we became friends.  I’m fairly certain it was because we sat together in French class.  Regardless….she knew him and I did not.  But I wanted to know him.  She kept telling me no, you don’t want to know him.  And I kept telling her yes, yes indeed I did want to know him.  I needed to know him.  And so, against her better judgement, she introduced us.   And that is where it all began…..

Looking Back

May 19, 2010 at 12:24 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’ve been reflecting on a lot of things – good and bad, real and imagined.  It seems when I’m at a crossroads it is the place I most often find myself.   Trying to find a balance between what is and what if.  Remembering the past, appreciating the present, pondering the future.  Is it possible for the present and past to become the future in an unanticipated mix?   What about collateral damage?  Does it matter?  What does matter?  Doing what is right or what is best?  There is a difference and I’m lost between them.  Fearful that I’ve wasted an opportunity and yet somehow convinced that this path I’m on, the one that led me away, has somehow started to lead me back around to where I’ve been.

I Want A Refund

April 23, 2010 at 7:51 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Who is it that first came up with the idea of the prince/princess story?  I mean really, do we want to sell our daughters such a false bill of goods?  I keep wondering why we perpetuate the myth of the all-knowing, all doing, “perfect” man.  The mysterious, intelligent drifter.  The home town boy done good.  The driven, handsome, successful man searching for the woman of his dreams.  He finds her in the most unsuspecting places.  I rekindled love from high school whom he hasn’t seen for years but has secretly harbored love for.  The driver of the luxury car that has just rear-ended an unsuspecting single woman looking for love.  Honesty, it’s such a crock of shit and somehow most of us women fall for it, on some level, hook line and sinker.  So what is it about the completely impossible fantasy mate that writers/directors/actors keep shoving down our throats?  And why do we keep eating it up?  How is any real man expected to compete when our fantasies have been filled with such impossibly perfect models of perhaps what we should be looking for in men?  It’s impossible.  So I want a refund on the fantasy sold to me that will never come true.

Squid

April 15, 2010 at 4:39 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

So I’m not quite sure how it is we came together.  I think it was my sophomore year as he was a Senior and older than I.  He was quite the preppy upperclassman who had formerly had a very preppy, cute, tiny girlfriend.  I remember the break-up as most people in the school couldn’t imagine him without her and visa-versa.  But we were at the same party – and I honestly cannot remember if I knew he was going to be there or if it was completely coincidence.  I want to think there had been rumblings that perhaps there was a liking between the two of us that had not traveled very far amongst people. 

We were at a party at a house not too far from where I live now and every now and then when I run past there I remember that night.  I remember sitting in the family room and talking to him and being so nervous.  I remember when he asked me to go into one of the bedrooms in the back of the house and I could barely even move.  I wasn’t sure what he had in mind…and much to my relief he wanted to talk.  And we did talk.  For a while, from what I remember.  But  I also remember that we kissed.  And I don’t really remember if we “dated” but I wore his number on my powder puff jersey.  And he came to my house a couple of times.  And we even wrote to each other briefly after he went off to college.

It was, in a word, amazing.  I felt like a celebrity in a sense because he was older and popular.  And for a brief moment in time I felt popular too.

Carolina on My Mind

April 12, 2010 at 8:47 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been examining regret in my life.  It’s kinda funny because I didn’t really think I had much of it.  And maybe I seem to have more now that I’m in a funk so maybe it isn’t really true regret.  Maybe it is just longing for a different outcome.  I don’t know.  But on my mind lately is a trip my family took the summer before my freshman year of high school.  My family of 5 loaded into a motor home along with another family of 5 and trekked to South Carolina.  It was actually a pretty fun trip – there were three girls in our family and three girls in theirs and we each had someone relatively close to our age to hang out with.  Although the two youngest probably didn’t have as much fun as us older girls did. 

It was the first time I drank beer.  And we almost got busted by our parents.   It was also the first time I had a summer crush.  Well aside from summer camp crushes which are an entirely different animal.  Anyway….there was this guy Rob who was at the same resort as us and I can’t remember what the relation was to the other boy – it was his cousin perhaps?  I don’t know.  But this Rob was, in a word, charming.  A big, bright smile and the personality to go along with it.  The “other boy” was much more quiet…what I remember of him was his brown hair and brown eyes.  And he was going to the military school that the movie Taps was either based on or filmed at.  If I had to pick someone famous he would remind me of it would be Josh Hartnett – although I’m sure he was quite cute, memory has a way of twisting things to make them a bit better, or worse, than was real.  I think there may have been a third boy too.  A burly blonde oaf of a guy with a wicked sense of humor.  We befriended these boys who, as I remember, may have been a bit older than us.  Certainly older than I.  They were the ones who bought the beer for us.  We snuck into a pool and I believe the funny blonde mooned us when he jumped off a diving board.  I think he dove once and came close to the edge of the pool….scaring the bejesus out of us all.

But Rob.  He was so confident and funny and paid just the right amount of attention to make you think you were maybe someone special.  What I didn’t realize is that was just his way.  His slight teasing and flirty nature didn’t mean anything more than what it was.  But I thought it was.  And when he took interest in one of the girls in the other family, my heart was crushed.  I felt ugly.  I felt completely rejected and useless.  But the worst part…..was the “other boy” had taken an interest in me and I was too stupid to see it.  And when he inquired if I wanted to take a walk on the beach with him I declined.  Because he wasn’t the one I wanted.   So I sulked….and I may have even cried a little.  And I missed out on an opportunity.  It was the beginning of a pattern for me I think.  Liking boys that wouldn’t like me back and missing out on some boys who did like me.  Who may have been good for me.

Yin and Yang

April 2, 2010 at 2:02 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

One of the many things I love about my kids are their differences.  If either one were the same as the other it would not be a good thing.  I love that Sophie loves to snuggle.  I love that Henry is a goof to the bone.  I love that Sophie has an imagination that doesn’t quit.  I love that Henry seems to need someone to play with.  I love that Sophie will never turn down ice cream…neither will Henry for that matter.  But one new thing I learned to love today that while Sophie allows me to indulge in musical guilty pleasures along the lines of Taylor Swift, Henry equally loves to crank it up and scream along to AC/DC.

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